1) How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
This time around it was 3 weeks, the second time was for 2 months, and my first time was for 4 months.
I started the first time because, i was in a very emotionally abusive relationship (that i didn’t even realize i was in until i was out of it and looked back at it) and i couldn’t talk to anyone about it, and it was like i was being suffocated. I was also very depressed back then and cutting gave me a release. It was something that i could control and as i watched the cuts form, i was able to feel like i was letting out everything i was holding in through those cuts.
The second time was my 2nd year of university. All of a sudden my depression kicked in full force and i was crying every day, i wasn’t eating, i was afraid of being left alone in fear of what i was going to do. I couldn’t do anything but sit in my room staring into nothing. I cut because it was reminding me i was alive, i didn’t have a reason to feel the way i did, i just did and when i cut i felt something and i had a reason to feel that.
This time around, was sort of like the second time. I slipped into this dark place randomly and very quickly and there wasn’t a reason for it. My demons were pulling me farther and farther down and i felt like i was drowning. I couldn’t focus on anything and my demons were getting louder and louder. I couldn’t go to class, i wanted to drive my car into on-coming traffic every time i was in my car. I was numb to everything but the demons in my head telling me i was worthless and wasn’t wanted. I wanted to feel something, i wanted to be reminded i was still alive, and cutting did that. I was able to feel again, the pain that i felt was reminding me that only things that were living felt. Watching the blood pour out was like watching a small part of my demons come out too. when i cut, it was like the high for a minute or two i silenced my demons, until they came back. the louder my demons got, the more i wanted them out of my head, the more i wanted to cut, the deeper the cut needed to be.
i’m going to consider that today being the second day of not having the urge to cut show i’m slowly coming out of this. my moods are still fucked up and i go from smiling and laughing to wanting to cry in .02 seconds but it’s a small step. i broke being 200+ days of being clean because of how bad i got and i think it’s time to start the counting of recovery again. today is day 2 of recovery.
i also think i’m going to do the 30 day self-harm recovery challenge thingy to help keep me in this path.